Who Gets to Be "The Other Woman"? - Rethinking Betrayal Beyond Heterosexual Scripts.

Can betrayal even happen in queer/polyamorous relationships?

“I think, one, I was gaslit into thinking that, well, this is what polyamory and queer relationships are like.”

Jay identifies as “queer and polyamorous” and describes being drawn to polyamory for a long time. They wanted to build a loving relationship that allowed for connection, autonomy, and a relationship structure outside of traditional monogamy.

But when Jay experienced betrayal in a recent polyamorous relationship, something unexpected happened: they struggled to name what was happening as infidelity.

Betrayal often looks different for queer/polyamourous folks

And Jay isn't alone.

As a psychotherapist in private practice, I’m passionate about the experiences of queer and polyamorous people navigating betrayal and infidelity. Through conversations with people who have lived through these experiences, I’ve noticed a pattern that keeps coming up:

Sometimes the hardest part isn't realizing that your partner crossed a line. It's trusting yourself enough to believe that the line was crossed in the first place.

We often imagine infidelity as relatively straightforward. There is a clear betrayer, a clear betrayal, and a clear “other woman” or “other man.” We know what happened, who was wronged, and who deserves our sympathy.

From confusion to clarity

But relationships don't always work that way.

For people in queer, polyamorous, or consensually non-monogamous relationships, there may not be a shared cultural script for what betrayal is supposed to look like. A relationship may already include multiple partners, outside connections, or agreements that look very different from traditional monogamy.

That doesn't mean boundaries don't exist. It means the boundaries may be specific to the relationship rather than dictated by a broader cultural script.

And when those boundaries are violated, it can become surprisingly difficult to figure out what happened.

Jay described this experience directly, “I wish that there had been some kind of post or guide or something that kind of explained how betrayal can happen even in polyamorous or queer relationships.”

Research suggests that in order to heal from infidelity one of the first steps is to define the breach: Identify which specific rule or trust agreement was broken (e.g., safer sex practices, unapproved partners, lying by omission, or emotional secrecy)."

For people like Jay, finding out about betrayal or infidelity in a queer/poly relationship is devastating. It can deeply impact self-trust  and leave you questioning yourself in ways you never expected.

But there is hope.

Healing doesn't happen overnight. It means giving yourself the space to process what happened while slowly rebuilding your confidence and reconnecting with your self trust.

Here are three places to start.

3 places to start:

1. Name the line that was crossed.
What agreement, expectation, or boundary was violated? You don't need someone else's definition of infidelity to validate your experience.

2. Find people who can help you reality-check without rewriting your experience.
Seek out trusted friends, chosen family, or community members who can listen without immediately telling you what you should do.

3. Get support from someone who understands betrayal.
A therapist familiar with infidelity and queer or consensually non-monogamous relationships can help you process the rupture without imposing a relationship structure or definition of betrayal onto you.